“If I live to narrate this, it is my strength and love of people around me who didn’t let me give up when I was just escaping myself, running away from my own demons. And if someone could not live to talk about her/his story it was the lack of love and kindness of we as people.
Lately I was believing that am healing myself because am sharing everything with people, seeking help whenever I need, reaching out to people and people reaching out to me. Anyone I needed, was right there by my side and I was so loved, so loved that I wondered what did I do to deserve all these even from people I am remotely related to.
I couldn’t thank my stars and felt blessed but then of all the love and kindness that I was receiving and trying to reciprocate to became something I am obliged, I started struggling and thinking about everything that I should be doing in response to what I was receiving.
Everything I needed to prove for all the concern and privileges I had, this thought overpower me in a way that no matter what I did, I always thought I could have done better, my will to do better and my thought to do everything with perfection made me feel smaller and smaller when I was not satisfied with what I could do.
I pushed myself to the extremes until I escaped once again. I just gave up on people, distanced myself so that I do not be the reason of discomfort to people who mean so much to me. Clearly, am not right, prolonged suffering has damaged my cognition and ability of effective decision making, emotion handling and self management.”
This is how it impacts your life, you end up doing what you never want to, you distance from everything that is dear and loved, you push everyone you wanted closer than your breathe, and all these for the fear of you being the reason of someone’s discomfort. It is mental illness, it steals away your happiness just like that.
Because, there is a comfort and peace in being hurt than being the reason of someone’s distress.
P.S. It takes courage to seek help, sometimes, it is easier to give up on one’s breathe than asking for a hand. So if you extend your hand to someone, make sure it is out of empathy and not sympathy. If you decide to be in love with such a person, make sure it is love for the soul, feelings, togetherness, unspoken, unseen existence and not just words failing meaning, action defying purpose.. It has to be so much within than it will be on surface. If you can’t be with someone, don’t be, do not lurk around building hopes and dreams that would never be a reality. Be careful.