Confession of a Phobic

“If I live to narrate this, it is my strength and love of people around me who didn’t let me give up when I was just escaping myself, running away from my own demons. And if someone could not live to talk about her/his story it was the lack of love and kindness of we as people.

Lately I was believing that am healing myself because am sharing everything with people, seeking help whenever I need, reaching out to people and people reaching out to me. Anyone I needed, was right there by my side and I was so loved, so loved that I wondered what did I do to deserve all these even from people I am remotely related to.

I couldn’t thank my stars and felt blessed but then of all the love and kindness that I was receiving and trying to reciprocate to became something I am obliged, I started struggling and thinking about everything that I should be doing in response to what I was receiving.

Everything I needed to prove for all the concern and privileges I had, this thought overpower me in a way that no matter what I did, I always thought I could have done better, my will to do better and my thought to do everything with perfection made me feel smaller and smaller when I was not satisfied with what I could do.

I pushed myself to the extremes until I escaped once again. I just gave up on people, distanced myself so that I do not be the reason of discomfort to people who mean so much to me. Clearly, am not right, prolonged suffering has damaged my cognition and ability of effective decision making, emotion handling and self management.”

This is how it impacts your life, you end up doing what you never want to, you distance from everything that is dear and loved, you push everyone you wanted closer than your breathe, and all these for the fear of you being the reason of someone’s discomfort. It is mental illness, it steals away your happiness just like that.

Because, there is a comfort and peace in being hurt than being the reason of someone’s distress.

P.S. It takes courage to seek help, sometimes, it is easier to give up on one’s breathe than asking for a hand. So if you extend your hand to someone, make sure it is out of empathy and not sympathy. If you decide to be in love with such a person, make sure it is love for the soul, feelings, togetherness, unspoken, unseen existence and not just words failing meaning, action defying purpose.. It has to be so much within than it will be on surface. If you can’t be with someone, don’t be, do not lurk around building hopes and dreams that would never be a reality. Be careful.

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What anxiety attack looks like in an empty house?

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Living alone is an essential process of knowing life and it is important but at times it results to dangerous consequences for people suffering from anxiety, the transformation from neurosis to psychosis is often the result of prolonged loneliness in a person.

What anxiety attack looks like in an empty house?

There are triggers for the attack most of the times but even a perfectly beautiful day with lots of energy and smile can also lead to a dreadful night and petrifying consequences.

Uneasiness accompanied with thoughts that overflows, it is not logical and it is those thoughts that start hurting the brain, one can feel the extreme physical pain at random places. One can’t breathe, every breathe that you take is a challenge and a blessing that you thank God for, you feel like screaming with all your strength that throat hurts. The struggle is worst, as worst that the thought of jumping out of your balcony seems the option good enough to find peace. Peace and a moment of relaxation are sought so desperately that anything, anything you name it that assures the end of that pain seems worth it. But then your subconscious mind helps, it helps you to remind that No, you need to wait, this thing will pass and you will find what you are looking for, you will be out of this like you have in the past and that is when you start building patience.

At this point of time, thought gets better but your physical strength gives up, tongue tightens and you can’t speak, you have no energy to move your body, hands and legs loosen up, it feels numb like there is no life, blood has stopped running in the veins at peripheries. One stops wailing and screaming and tears roll down the cheeks and you do not why.

P.S. You do not require to stay around people all the time who can hold you and make you feel fine but need to build your subconscious stronger by reading and creating a powerful knowledge base when you can fight your own apprehensions and win over at the time of crisis.

Modern Fairytale

LaCandellaWeddings-5-1024x683She sat by the window side, on the eighteenth floor of a high rise building; watching heavy rain pouring like it was determined to wipe away the land, buildings and its people. People with hearts conquered by an egocentric ogre in a race to win over one another. She was there too, one of those people whose heart was losing to the same ogre. However, her heart was sad over the fact; she hoped to be healed and even though she used to be a rescuer wanted to be rescued in the very long time.

Rain is a sign of growth, freshness and a boon but a gloomy heart and a depressed soul fail to see through and find good, it develops a skill of interpreting morose in the best of the creations.

Stories like these generally have a reason, some intertwined characters, causes, state and ends on a note that is happiness, sadness, and loss or a lurking note left on the reader’s interpretation. But this is a modern fairytale, there is a princess and a self-created distress, there is a prince and not a rescuer, there is a story but not a love story, there is no fairy but ogre in the modern fairytale.

Conventionally when there used t be a perfect love story, the story teller used fairy as the reason behind the union of two perfect hearts, beautiful things and now when love is not that beautiful anymore, when heart is adulterated, we blame it on ogre because we as human never like to take the blame and responsibility of all that goes wrong. We are people.

So the Prince, not a rescuer, leaves her beloved Princess to seek the love of another woman (not a princess and with little faith in love), he toils day in day out to make her believe, to build that trust, to develop affection, challenge her beliefs and finally successfully conquer her faith. The victorious Prince returns to his palace in content and a great deal of satisfaction until he takes a nap and woke up just like he would after a bad-bad dream. A sudden realization, a blow in his heart of losses he has suffered, the price he has paid to conquer something as valueless as a nightmare, he set out to save her beloved princess the one he had left.

But fate has something else in store; it was too late, sigh. It was stolen, the very own heart which belonged to the Prince for ages was conquered by some secret admirer who was now out in the light. Prince lost to an ordinary man, this was too harsh to live with, he was shattered, broken just when the ogre rescued his heart and whispered to go back to the one he has left before it’s too late. He followed the Ogre and knocked the door on the eighteenth floor of the high rise building drenched and stinking intention. She rushed to open the door, there he was, that built up faith embraced him and there his fitful heart found solace.

But then solace is not ‘love’ and faith is not ‘forever’.

P.S. He expresses his loss in silent whispers at night, killing her little each day.

Demons of Women

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How often a woman appreciates another? Probably not enough to qualify a healthy alliance. Have we ever bothered to think over it, what is it that hinders the expression of respect, appreciation and affection towards each other? The answer is in the dreaded connotation of emotion, practicing negative emotion makes us vulnerable to more of it and of all the negative inclination, the one which dominates a woman heart that obstruct her to express positivism to another is jealousy and competition.

Women fighting to break free from this patriarchal society needs to first break free from their own mental block and negativity against their own gender.

No wonder why emotions like jealousy and insecurity is more attached to womanhood because it is true in many cases where a woman pulls down another, insensitive to each other’s pain and problems, sense of outsmarting and even hatred towards each other. All these attributes just make this gender weaker, dependent and vulnerable. Which is also one of the reasons why patriarchy is still prevalent and gripping the hold even harder than ever. How do we expect the “extra-terrestrial” to respect us when we ourselves don’t respect our skin? How do we plan to fight when we ourselves are disintegrated in bits and pieces? How do we breathe the fresh air when we have caged ourselves in the shackles of covetousness?

Competition is important, proving oneself over another is not. That is lack of respect for oneself and for everything that you are. Jealousy and envy is as dangerous as the dagger lurking behind, you will never know how far you have been pushed that it starts killing you.

Let’s meet a few of the demons of women here in examples, 

It is not new that your own female friends do not share things, ideas or plans in fear of the other getting through it. This clearly shows lack of support among themselves and signifies lack of confidence in them.

Cases where the insecure woman fighting another woman over a man, it is ridiculous how she would choose to blame another woman rather confronting with her man. Jealousy and lack of self-esteem drives the above behavior.

Cases where a woman is insensitive towards the sufferings of another woman. Not only that, they even make them suffer and cause mental and physical pain. This can be seen in matrimonial relationships. The reason behind this is lack of love in their hearts.

A more adhered to religious norms women shame other less religious women. And, character assassinate them. Demon of women pushes her in lacking sensitivity towards each other’s choices and individuality.

To win over anything, against anything we need to win over ourselves by killing these demons in us and be what best describes us, and that is “love”.

Win your womanhood back and embrace each other with love and sensitivity. That will be the biggest army and the strongest troupe the world would ever witness.

Yours truly,

A Feminist 

My Nikahnama

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I believe in companionship and I like to share therefore marriage is important to me. I don’t see marriage as a significant change or a stepping stone in my life; it won’t change me in any way except loving my partner and adding people in my life, which I would enjoy. My goals, aspirations, determinations, purpose, likes and dislikes will remain as it is, I shall not accept an iota of change in my personality. I will continue to be the person I am, only stronger with the one who would believe the same. It would then be lifetime learning, and we shall grow together.

Having said that, I might be termed as “modern bahus,” even looked down upon, but modernity is not a threat to humanity, it is not a threat to observance. People misunderstand a woman’s empowerment as a cynical countenance of modernity. Respect, kindness, empathy are the various forms of love, and it has absolutely no connection to modernity or heritage, it is in one’s personality and writ in us. As a social being, we have our fundamental unit called family, and we function per se. Therefore, everything expected out of me as a family member will be delivered with due respect as long as it allows me to be me and not just because I am a woman. This need to be understood, by each and every one of us, by men and women; because I am a woman I have a role is not true, my am a real person with my perceptions, and I define my roles except that of natural ones.

Do not take me wrong again, my beliefs shall not hinder my love, it will only make it stronger, purer, fearless and happier. I am and will remain the fierce lover, who believes love heals, it has magic and it does wonder. I will love like Scrat loves his beloved Acorn, would not give up even when the world is drifting apart. I will fight any circumstances to hold on to him as long as I know his heart is loyal to mine, but not beyond my dignity and his integrity. And yes, respect is the foundation of any love and any relationship in this universe; it will keep up the charm, always.

For me marriage is companionship and I would be happy about it, but even if I had billions to afford a grand wedding celebration, I would have not, I want it a celebration of joy and joy is doubled when we share it with the ones who need. My marriage celebration would be with the ones who have no celebration in their lives.

It will be plain sailing; one day I will wake up determined and convinced enough for the person in my life, with the blessings of our parents shall sign Nikahnama. And I will be married, In sha Allah!

P.S. Relationship status will change, not my surname because I will be getting married not losing my identity.

Does this make women any less of a woman

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Does this make women any less of a woman

When a relationship matures and people start planning for their future and marriage, discussion on having children comes next and as one of the most important things. The couple simply adores the idea of having a child of their own and planning the perfect family. I wanted the same until now partly for the fear of being judged and partly because I love kids.

Time changed, ideologies transformed, experiences moulded and I became a selfish, careless, heartless woman because I became the woman who cringes at the idea of giving birth to a child. When I first told my mother about the fact that I want to have kids but do not want to give birth to one, it was hard for her to believe but accepted only still worried on the thought of who would get married to me.

Working with approx. 200 kids from slum communities and children at traffic signals, I realized how biased life is. They are suffering for no fault of their own but destiny, as they took birth on streets and not in a well to do, comfortable set up. And still, I never came across a single time when I could find any of them complaining about their life or crying over deprivation. I have seen them happy and content in the little that they have. There are children who attend schools, there are children who work as beggars on traffic signals, there are children with parents and then there are the ones with no one. They are the orphans.

Being an orphan doesn’t really make any difference in their life except for the times when they come back from school, some kids eat with their parents and some of them eat all alone in the corner. Some clean themselves once in a while after constantly being pushed by their mothers and some of them never take a bath as no one cares for them. These little differences disturb my soul and somehow I am drawing towards them emotionally unlike a professional social worker. I can’t stop thinking about them, their situation where they find no problem amidst adversity. The little time that I spend with them, is the time I only laugh in fun and merriment and it looks like I am not working for them, they are the ones working for me.

I am elated and live happiness when random kids wave at me from a distance in their utmost enthusiasm at traffic signals while being on their job. You should see the smile on their face, I call them luminesce of hope.

I am the happiest with my kids and this proves to me that I do love kids. I am not a heartless woman because I do not want to have a baby biologically. This might be my tokophobia or I just do not like the idea of creating another extreme attachment. I am attached to so many of them already that it is overwhelming and unbearable at times. I want to have as many kids as I can afford among them. I might not be able to give all the opportunities and comfort to them but maybe fulfill some of the necessities of life.

It’s okay if no one wants to get married to a woman like this, this definitely doesn’t make women any less of a woman.

Easy! Ladies

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Image Source:Google

 

“His elbow touched her in the crowded bus, she gave a stern look….”

I know it is the defence mechanism that activates the involuntary actions on the slightest doubt. And for a woman, she needs to hone all her reflexes to survive because when the sun goes down, women need to vacate the battle ground immediately and reach to the safest base. Yes, we are exposed to such threat and insecurity everyday, for example, I take an auto to college every day, morning I go easy but by the time I return I look for a safer looking auto driver,(leaner, safe looking, elderly) in case he thinks of something fishy, I am able to handle it, this is just a tiny strategy I follow every day, I accept looks are deceptive but what’s wrong in at least trying for something than nothing. That is a personal strategy, accept or not, we all have that little fear sitting behind in our subconscious and at times like this drives our action.

So this special someone that I was talking about was travelling by bus with his friends, a lean guy (first criteria of safe is checked), dressed up in a very simple trouser and t, heavy black spectacles added to his geekiness, his protruding nerves on his broad forehead was the clear sign of his optimum utilisation of the brain which is acuminated day and night  by number crunching and problem-solving process of his engineering career. Appeared to be just like any other normal student, who at times go extra enthusiastic when crawls out from the furnace of competition, performance and peer pressure to do something very normal like hanging out with friends. He boarded the crowded bus and accidentally his elbow touched the girl behind her who was herself crunched between a lady and a hefty man. He was busy talking to his friends that he could not even realise something like that happened because of course it was not intentional, that would be the last thing in the mind of the guy who wouldn’t even care enough for himself to grab any attention, let alone look at someone. Though the women’s defence mechanism came into play and she gave the stern look, ready to attack with her words and public calling of help, he did not realise it first but felt something was wrong so he figured out by her look what must have probably happened. Fear gripped, guilt shattered him, and he was apologising profusely as that was certainly his fault in that overly crowded bus.
This was the last bus travel of his life <sigh>

Ladies, when God sent monsters to scare us, he also gave angels to shower light and positivity. Let us believe in those angels and easy ourselves where we perfectly know what the situation could have been. Staying alert is the best we should do, but looking at every being in the darkness of monstrous shadow might dim the lights of those angels in disguise.

We are certainly the best judges, direct ourselves to more of positivity, forgive the obvious and forget. Follow your instincts. 🙂