If you are fed patriarchy in a silver spoon, Spit it, right there!

My short internship program with Gender Resource Centre in New Delhi, brought a huge change in how I perceive religion and how it is detrimental to women’s rights as a human being. How brainwashed women are the carrier of patriarchy and how they pull each other, creating a vicious cycle of manipulation and gender crime. They have been committing this crime unconsciously because that is how they have been nurtured all along.

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I have been raised by a strong mother and an equally proud father who do not shy away to call himself a strong feminist, but the society that I come from, and the extended family that I belong too has been orthodox and regressive. They have imparted lessons on how a woman needs to be everything but independent and educated. I wouldn’t have been at this place today, if it was not for my mother’s one single dream and that was to give her children the best of education available. So, I have been fortunate and blessed that way but it is not the case in general where thousands of dreams are crushed everyday.

When it is about Muslim women, first thing that you observe people talking about is her hijab, her modesty, her character and her role towards her husband & family. Which has been misinterpreted by various maulanas & maulvis and fed in the name of faith & belief to women of the community for ages, and it has been learned with sweat and blood, so much into system that anything beyond that, looks evil and punishable to them.

In times when we should be talking about our education, our opportunities, our advances to equal rights and respectable position as women, it is sad to come across instances where front-men of religion screaming roles of women and her bearings/conduct while believers of such misinterpretation policing women on such grounds. No, religion is not about obedience, it is not about complying with your husband’s advances against your wish, it is not okay to take violence (verbal/emotional/physical) because you are meant to be. No woman is meant to be subjected to any kind of humiliation or disrespect. A Muslim women is beyond her modesty and how she dresses up. Like everyone else, she has her dreams, ambition, future and a life that she wish to shape herself.

We know it is about patriarchy, it is about creating a power plot where one can suppress another, because power thrives on misery of another. And it is our responsibility to educate and create awareness on how to kill these power plots against development, against equality, which is again only possible by education. Let us all deface those power plots, vandalize self-interests and revolt. Revolt against a feeble voice that occurs in our mind which, if not killed, kills our dreams and hopes. Be stubborn on what you want and how you want, it is called taking control of your own life. Be ruthless in chasing dreams, if it takes so. While on the way, there will be countless hands dragging you down, calling names/tags and you will be tired, you will feel it is okay to give up and just be engulfed by society’s demand or submit to mediocrity but then, remind yourselves, if not you then no one can. If not you, then the whole generation after you will give up to something you could not fight. You must be brave, you must be brave for yourself and for everyone who will one day, be inspired by your change, who will learn how resistance is lived and won with resilience and determination.

And to do this, as I say, fight for your education, let nothing stops you to read through your victory. No religion, no politics, no power plots can tell you what to dream and what roles to comply. And yes, remember, whenever something or someone feeds you patriarchy in a silver spoon, spit it, spit it right there. Do not be the carrier.

P.S. I relate to this picture so  much and feel equally blessed because you see women holding their positions loud and brave in every walks of life, around the world. And I have been fortunate & determined to be holding mine.

Confession of a Phobic

“If I live to narrate this, it is my strength and love of people around me who didn’t let me give up when I was just escaping myself, running away from my own demons. And if someone could not live to talk about her/his story it was the lack of love and kindness of we as people.

Lately I was believing that am healing myself because am sharing everything with people, seeking help whenever I need, reaching out to people and people reaching out to me. Anyone I needed, was right there by my side and I was so loved, so loved that I wondered what did I do to deserve all these even from people I am remotely related to.

I couldn’t thank my stars and felt blessed but then of all the love and kindness that I was receiving and trying to reciprocate to became something I am obliged, I started struggling and thinking about everything that I should be doing in response to what I was receiving.

Everything I needed to prove for all the concern and privileges I had, this thought overpower me in a way that no matter what I did, I always thought I could have done better, my will to do better and my thought to do everything with perfection made me feel smaller and smaller when I was not satisfied with what I could do.

I pushed myself to the extremes until I escaped once again. I just gave up on people, distanced myself so that I do not be the reason of discomfort to people who mean so much to me. Clearly, am not right, prolonged suffering has damaged my cognition and ability of effective decision making, emotion handling and self management.”

This is how it impacts your life, you end up doing what you never want to, you distance from everything that is dear and loved, you push everyone you wanted closer than your breathe, and all these for the fear of you being the reason of someone’s discomfort. It is mental illness, it steals away your happiness just like that.

Because, there is a comfort and peace in being hurt than being the reason of someone’s distress.

P.S. It takes courage to seek help, sometimes, it is easier to give up on one’s breathe than asking for a hand. So if you extend your hand to someone, make sure it is out of empathy and not sympathy. If you decide to be in love with such a person, make sure it is love for the soul, feelings, togetherness, unspoken, unseen existence and not just words failing meaning, action defying purpose.. It has to be so much within than it will be on surface. If you can’t be with someone, don’t be, do not lurk around building hopes and dreams that would never be a reality. Be careful.

What anxiety attack looks like in an empty house?

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Living alone is an essential process of knowing life and it is important but at times it results to dangerous consequences for people suffering from anxiety, the transformation from neurosis to psychosis is often the result of prolonged loneliness in a person.

What anxiety attack looks like in an empty house?

There are triggers for the attack most of the times but even a perfectly beautiful day with lots of energy and smile can also lead to a dreadful night and petrifying consequences.

Uneasiness accompanied with thoughts that overflows, it is not logical and it is those thoughts that start hurting the brain, one can feel the extreme physical pain at random places. One can’t breathe, every breathe that you take is a challenge and a blessing that you thank God for, you feel like screaming with all your strength that throat hurts. The struggle is worst, as worst that the thought of jumping out of your balcony seems the option good enough to find peace. Peace and a moment of relaxation are sought so desperately that anything, anything you name it that assures the end of that pain seems worth it. But then your subconscious mind helps, it helps you to remind that No, you need to wait, this thing will pass and you will find what you are looking for, you will be out of this like you have in the past and that is when you start building patience.

At this point of time, thought gets better but your physical strength gives up, tongue tightens and you can’t speak, you have no energy to move your body, hands and legs loosen up, it feels numb like there is no life, blood has stopped running in the veins at peripheries. One stops wailing and screaming and tears roll down the cheeks and you do not why.

P.S. You do not require to stay around people all the time who can hold you and make you feel fine but need to build your subconscious stronger by reading and creating a powerful knowledge base when you can fight your own apprehensions and win over at the time of crisis.

Does this make women any less of a woman

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Does this make women any less of a woman

When a relationship matures and people start planning for their future and marriage, discussion on having children comes next and as one of the most important things. The couple simply adores the idea of having a child of their own and planning the perfect family. I wanted the same until now partly for the fear of being judged and partly because I love kids.

Time changed, ideologies transformed, experiences moulded and I became a selfish, careless, heartless woman because I became the woman who cringes at the idea of giving birth to a child. When I first told my mother about the fact that I want to have kids but do not want to give birth to one, it was hard for her to believe but accepted only still worried on the thought of who would get married to me.

Working with approx. 200 kids from slum communities and children at traffic signals, I realized how biased life is. They are suffering for no fault of their own but destiny, as they took birth on streets and not in a well to do, comfortable set up. And still, I never came across a single time when I could find any of them complaining about their life or crying over deprivation. I have seen them happy and content in the little that they have. There are children who attend schools, there are children who work as beggars on traffic signals, there are children with parents and then there are the ones with no one. They are the orphans.

Being an orphan doesn’t really make any difference in their life except for the times when they come back from school, some kids eat with their parents and some of them eat all alone in the corner. Some clean themselves once in a while after constantly being pushed by their mothers and some of them never take a bath as no one cares for them. These little differences disturb my soul and somehow I am drawing towards them emotionally unlike a professional social worker. I can’t stop thinking about them, their situation where they find no problem amidst adversity. The little time that I spend with them, is the time I only laugh in fun and merriment and it looks like I am not working for them, they are the ones working for me.

I am elated and live happiness when random kids wave at me from a distance in their utmost enthusiasm at traffic signals while being on their job. You should see the smile on their face, I call them luminesce of hope.

I am the happiest with my kids and this proves to me that I do love kids. I am not a heartless woman because I do not want to have a baby biologically. This might be my tokophobia or I just do not like the idea of creating another extreme attachment. I am attached to so many of them already that it is overwhelming and unbearable at times. I want to have as many kids as I can afford among them. I might not be able to give all the opportunities and comfort to them but maybe fulfill some of the necessities of life.

It’s okay if no one wants to get married to a woman like this, this definitely doesn’t make women any less of a woman.

Easy! Ladies

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“His elbow touched her in the crowded bus, she gave a stern look….”

I know it is the defence mechanism that activates the involuntary actions on the slightest doubt. And for a woman, she needs to hone all her reflexes to survive because when the sun goes down, women need to vacate the battle ground immediately and reach to the safest base. Yes, we are exposed to such threat and insecurity everyday, for example, I take an auto to college every day, morning I go easy but by the time I return I look for a safer looking auto driver,(leaner, safe looking, elderly) in case he thinks of something fishy, I am able to handle it, this is just a tiny strategy I follow every day, I accept looks are deceptive but what’s wrong in at least trying for something than nothing. That is a personal strategy, accept or not, we all have that little fear sitting behind in our subconscious and at times like this drives our action.

So this special someone that I was talking about was travelling by bus with his friends, a lean guy (first criteria of safe is checked), dressed up in a very simple trouser and t, heavy black spectacles added to his geekiness, his protruding nerves on his broad forehead was the clear sign of his optimum utilisation of the brain which is acuminated day and night  by number crunching and problem-solving process of his engineering career. Appeared to be just like any other normal student, who at times go extra enthusiastic when crawls out from the furnace of competition, performance and peer pressure to do something very normal like hanging out with friends. He boarded the crowded bus and accidentally his elbow touched the girl behind her who was herself crunched between a lady and a hefty man. He was busy talking to his friends that he could not even realise something like that happened because of course it was not intentional, that would be the last thing in the mind of the guy who wouldn’t even care enough for himself to grab any attention, let alone look at someone. Though the women’s defence mechanism came into play and she gave the stern look, ready to attack with her words and public calling of help, he did not realise it first but felt something was wrong so he figured out by her look what must have probably happened. Fear gripped, guilt shattered him, and he was apologising profusely as that was certainly his fault in that overly crowded bus.
This was the last bus travel of his life <sigh>

Ladies, when God sent monsters to scare us, he also gave angels to shower light and positivity. Let us believe in those angels and easy ourselves where we perfectly know what the situation could have been. Staying alert is the best we should do, but looking at every being in the darkness of monstrous shadow might dim the lights of those angels in disguise.

We are certainly the best judges, direct ourselves to more of positivity, forgive the obvious and forget. Follow your instincts. 🙂

More Power to you Girl

When a girl walks out of an abusive relationship, to make a better choice for herself and her life, she is the first one to be tagged as characterless. Since she made a choice for herself, she becomes a whore. When a man walks out of a relationship in pursuit of a different woman, he is still the saint as things did not work between two of them.

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How easy it becomes to target a woman for all the wrong things in the world.“Oh! The day she got married into this family, she has brought all the evils along with her. She was the reason for my bad luck and that my career could not grow. She was in my life due to which I could not do anything good for myself and my family. A bitch, a whore, a psychopath and a witch are all the honors a woman would be attached to. After reading through recent controversies going on with the celebrities (Kangana, Hrithik), no matter who is stalking whom but it is the woman in the case who has been tormented and tagged with such derogatory terms. None of us even thought once before accepting those characteristic definitions for a woman because there was nothing to think about it as long as it is coming from a Man’s mouth.

Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always”  – Khaled Hosseini

That is the exact foundation of our society and that is how this system operates. Recently a complete stranger messaged me out of nowhere; the message goes like this –

“Islam considers men strong and women delicate and elegant. This is neither an insult to women nor an insult to men; it is actually a proper view on their nature.”

Honestly, I have no idea who quoted this; the only thing I would ask is to stop practicing Islam if this shallow is your understanding of a beautiful way of living. I do not follow any Godman and I do not follow any preachers, I believe in my Allah and I believe in the teachings of his messenger Prophet Mohammad and nowhere would he ever mean a woman is weaker than a man, Alhamdulillah.

“Men and women are twin halves of each other” (Bukhari) – This is what our Prophet meant, that the men and women are interdependent on each other and never hinted any superiority or strength over one another.

Islam was the first religion to give a woman her power and dignity not because of her elegance and delicate nature but because of her strength and equal intellect. Stop this negativity right away and understand the scriptures, Quran, before spreading your misinterpretations like a wildfire. As it is very well said, as per Bukhari –

“What actions are most excellent? To gladden the heart of human beings, to feed the hungry, to help the afflicted, to lighten the sorrow of the sorrowful, and to remove the sufferings of the injured.”

That is what my religion is and I take complete pride in being the one and walking on the path of those excellent actions, Alhamdulillah.

There are people who are plaguing the society in the name of religion, culture and customs. When they interpret the code of behavior, they do that in such a way that it is more convenient to the male dominant of the society, they twist and turn the things to their own interest and present it in a beautiful platter of elegance and beauty and course of nature for the other ones. I admire the courage of this woman, Kangana Ranaut who says – the tags like a whore, psychopath, a witch are the age old weapons of the society to direct their frustration at women, which needs to be diffused.

When a woman like her, powerful and successful could not escape the wrath of this society, imagine the situation of a common woman who exist at the mercy of a male dominant society not by choice but by default? What about the women who are the easiest target of the society that spares no chance of defaming or blaming when she is not even part of the crime. There are women who are powerful, there are women who are educated and then there are women who are helpless and at an absolute mercy of the society, who is not even powerful enough to take a stand for her, not educated, not confident enough to face the world. Still Feminism remains in the light of negative shade and is questionable.

There is definitely the need of more power to women and this will not be given by someone to someone. It need not to be built but to discover within ourselves, as it is there within each of us, the only effort needed is to realize it one day and wake up the other moment as a warrior. Value yourself as that’s the best you can do to yourself. Have the courage to walk out of an abusive relationship now, and be strong enough to face all the criticism, the curses and infinite attack to your character and identity. Those are the reassurance of the fact that he was never meant to be.

As my beloved, Prophet Mohammad said – “The best of you are those who are best to the women.” ( Tirmidhi )

 

Fingers crossed she might be the One

“Fingers crossed she might be the one”. He exclaimed to his clueless friend, little did he know his declaration would turn into a lifetime commitment.That day, they met for the very first time over a coffee. Being not the coffee person, she chose a cup of ice tea. That was it, not the love at first sight because neither she was jaw dropping beautiful nor he would fall for just that. It was a planned conspiracy of cupids in charge against their interests so far.

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Before delving into it further, let me share one ubiquitous fact, there is just one person who is absolutely the right one, who is just designed with exact patience level to deal with your sporadic behavior, who has just that specific level of trust required to trust your doubtful mind and with the same exact level of affection you need to fall asleep in his arms. Nothing less and nothing more, just the right amount. Even the universe was formed with that exact specification, had the density been a little lesser or the temperature a little more, this world would have never existed with any big bang to its explanation.

All that is required is to wait for that one, designed specifically to fit your complete being. Love is like those cosmic microwaves, the remains that explain the existence of mankind. Love is that bridge which connects the survival to living. That feeling feels more than alive, and not just believing in the illusion of every amorous incident as the right one. So was this, when he finally dived right into her heart, leading her to discover every atom this feeling is formed of. Yes they fought like ninjas and smiled like cupids, she doubted on every tiny move and he failed not to restore her faith in him again and all over again. She would ask him in her sleep, what if things don’t turn up the way they want to, he would answer her, answered the same always, “in any possible scenario, you would find me by your side”, it did rekindle their love every time. There were multiple “third person” stealing the charm yet they ended up lighting up a hundred more lights of hope of a beautiful life each day. As he always said, “my love for you is like this universe, ever expanding and vast”.

So when your heart aches and you find no way out of the depressed soul, just wait for the right one to strike the chord of your wounded heart, it is meant to be rebuilt again and again until it reaches its perfect shape.

P.S. Love the one who makes you fall in love with yourself.

The Other Woman

“I left the person I loved because I was afraid I will become the other woman someday”. She recalled those events which led her to take such a stand with tears in her eyes. It was disturbing for me, her statement, and I could not decide initially if what she did was right or another mistake. It was like a complex code which had to be broken to convince its sanity.

 

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I strongly believe in self -importance, “I above all”, and that is not selfish. I profess to choose oneself over everything even for the millionth time and all over again. Because if you exist, so is everything else. There is a universe in you, a complete universe which is capable enough to exist in its singular form, nothing less than that. And when you love or have a feeling of attachment to someone, it is you who is inviting the other one to share your universe, not allowing anyone to conquer it in any tiniest possible way. You still preside and have full control over your empire.

If I own such a massive universe within, imagine my ability, my potential and infinite unexplored possibilities and capabilities trapped within, I am ought to be the supreme of I, and why would someone like that settle for any less. If I allow myself to be the other woman in someone’s life, that is when I admit that I am less, submitted myself even before someone could get the chance to realize that unimaginable potential in me.

If I had to go with the logic, that woman was right in her decision, she was strong, she knew every spec of what she was made of and that would have definitely not allowed her to be the other woman in his life. Because she knew she can never control his choices, she rather chooses never to influence his decisions, she would never chase after someone as her conscience would never allow her to do so. But she did preside her own empire and was able enough to choose the best for herself, she knew she is the result of her own decisions and she had to be wise enough. As the right man will never push you to become the other woman, if he does, he is definitely not the man.

There is just one person, who would stay with you right from your adversity to your prosperity. He would surround your life in such a way that you would be glad and willing enough to allow him to be the intruder in your universe. As you will be the only woman in his life.

P.S. Never chose to be the other woman, ever, because there is nothing called “I love you but…”

Reason for Once, before you Quit

 

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Every time you fall in love, you will learn this is it, the one you have been waiting for eternity. But love is not this is it, it is never the destination to reach but a journey to travel.Tell me, are we not born with the ability to reason and live with the power of knowledge, then are we not capable enough to decide good and bad for us and for the loved ones around. So what really stops us and pushes us to the extremes?

What worth the relationship holds if one has to chase after the other constantly? What intellect are you born with if he fools you again and over again with false promises and fake commitment and appropriate excuses, where every time the excuses get rationalized by random reasons?

You know it well, knowledge is power, and when you have the knowledge of everything, what makes you still expect something from someone, in spite of knowing the fact, he would fail you again and again. It is definitely easy to preach than to practice, but would you not agree that giving up on the unworthy is always better than giving up on yourself. Just remember this, for once and all, every problem has a solution, a definite set of solutions to be précised. So, when you are overwhelmed with the controlling emotions, and your mind wanders, you see no window out of it, remember that you have something within yourself and that is your own brain, your ability to reason, and a definite set of probable solutions to any given problem.

When I was diagnosed with depression and got tired of running from clinics to hospitals for no known ailment. I was overloaded with prescribed drugs and anti-depressants, people forced me to take medicines but I simply gave up. How my social problems could be treated with external chemicals. I am a human being and I cannot be fed on external hormones when my body is completely capable of producing those, I could rationalize and think over it. I worked on things that were going wrong in my life, uprooted those and walked away from things that disturbed. I found the solution to overcome  my own problem rather giving up on it or letting someone else decide the best for myself.

We all have a fighter in us, and every little trouble or problems that occur is a battle worth winning over because, in the end, Lord has promised us a happy conclusion.

Therefore, believe on it that everything is in our control, Not every other one you meet is meant for you, the one who shares the same sky would stay, like a pole star of your life, you wouldn’t need to chase after, you wouldn’t be begging for commitment, and approval or recognition. If it is perfect you would always find your other one on the same page with the same thought of action as yours. Use intellect even if you are in no condition to, even if your extreme attachment to someone is ripping you apart, your brain disintegrates to validate all nonsense, just collect yourself and pull thyself out of the emotional irrationalities and take actions based on facts and just that.

Your other one cheated you once, deserve not a second chance for cheating is a choice that reflects a character, and doesn’t characters define you? Yelling or being abusive for any given reason, walk away now without getting into a heated argument and ending up doing the same. Got bullied (emotional or physical) by the other one, it has to be the end of all. Since you are precious for people who raised you with love and only love. Constantly builds excuses to escape commitment, know that he would never, just know it and give up on that relationship. Do not fall into the trap of trust game, of course, it is important to trust your partner as that is the foundation of any relationship, but do not be the part of baseless trust, he or she is not the supreme being who would know what happens tomorrow, trust is always for now and not for unseen as the situations and circumstances are also the player when it comes to the outcome expected, so always, be prepared for the worst, it would only help you stay strong at the time of fall apart.

Believing and loving yourself is the only drivers that would keep you going as you are the prism of your own life, you have the ability to refract all the possible colors of your beautiful life, all you need to do is adjust the exact angle between the two surfaces and watch the wonder with different wavelengths.